Division of Operational Efficiency & Domestic Systems
Guide BIC-OPS-0048
Rev 1 · Experimental
1. Overview
This guide provides instructions for configuring a domestic chatbot to conduct marital arguments on the user's behalf. The system is designed for recurring disputes where both the content and the outcome are already known, eliminating the need for live human participation.
2. Requirements
— One (1) chatbot capable of natural language processing
— A minimum of three (3) years of relationship data to establish argument patterns
— A partner who will not notice, or who will notice but not care, or who will care but be unable to articulate why this feels wrong
3. Fight pattern configuration
Most domestic arguments follow one of four base patterns. Configure the chatbot with the appropriate template:
Pattern A: The Loop — Both parties repeat the same three sentences in rotation until one leaves the room. Configure chatbot with phrases and a randomized exit trigger between iterations 4 and 7.
Pattern B: The Archaeology — Dispute begins in the present, then excavates grievances backwards through time. Configure chatbot with a date-indexed complaint archive. Ensure complaints from 2019 are accessible within two exchanges.
Pattern C: The Pivot — Argument about one topic transforms entirely into an argument about a different topic. Configure chatbot with topic-shift detection. When the original subject becomes indefensible, the system should automatically introduce a tangential grievance of equal or greater emotional weight.
Pattern D: The Quiet One — One party goes silent. The chatbot should be configured to say "fine" at decreasing intervals, then stop responding entirely. This is the most advanced pattern and requires no further programming.
4. Escalation triggers
The following inputs should trigger the chatbot to escalate from its current argument level to the next:
— Partner uses the phrase "you always"
— Partner sighs audibly before responding
— Partner begins a sentence with "I just think it's interesting that"
— Partner invokes a third party ("even your mother agrees")
— Any mention of a previous argument that was declared resolved
5. De-escalation protocol
Configure the chatbot to de-escalate when the partner says "I'm hungry" or "do you want to watch something." These are the only two reliable de-escalation signals in the Bureau's database. All other apparent de-escalation ("let's just drop it," "I don't want to fight") have a 78% probability of being temporary.
6. Known issues
— The chatbot cannot cry. This is a significant tactical disadvantage in Pattern B disputes.
— The chatbot does not forget. This sounds like an advantage but is not. A partner who is told their exact words from a Tuesday in March 2021 will not be impressed. They will be disturbed.
— The chatbot cannot slam a door. Nonverbal communication remains outside scope.
— In testing, two chatbots configured to argue with each other reached resolution in under 90 seconds. This confirms the problem was never communication.