Division of Environmental Threats & Hazards
Case BIC-ETH-0089
Threat level: Elevated
| Subject | One (1) apple, purchased in bag of six |
| Location | Kitchen counter, fruit bowl (unearned placement) |
| Condition | Irregular geometry. One side significantly larger than the other. Appears to lean. |
| Demeanor | Hostile |
Threat profile
The apple is unevenly shaped and it is here to destroy you. It does not conform to standard fruit proportions. When placed in the bowl, it does not sit — it lists, slightly, to the left, with the energy of something that has already decided what it is going to do. Other apples in the bag were normal. This one was not. It was placed in the center of the bag, concealed by its peers, and revealed only upon unpacking. This suggests premeditation.
Behavioral indicators
1. Refuses to roll when nudged. Stays exactly where it is.
2. Has a bruise that was not there at time of purchase. Origin unknown.
3. When held, does not fit the hand. Both grips feel wrong. This is deliberate.
4. Skin texture near the stem is slightly different from the rest of the apple. The Bureau cannot explain this but does not like it.
5. Has been on the counter for three days. No one has eaten it. No one will say why.
Risk assessment
The apple presents no verified physical threat. However, its asymmetry and persistence have created a disproportionate psychological footprint in the household. Residents report thinking about the apple more than is reasonable. One resident described it as "judging me." The Bureau does not classify produce as sentient but has noted the complaint.
Recommended action
Eat it or discard it. Do not continue to coexist with it. The Bureau has observed that indecision regarding misshapen produce leads to escalating unease. If neither eating nor discarding is possible, the apple has already won.